Needing a Toxic Friendship Antidote asks…
Dear Tattood Buddhist:
Hello! How do you let go of toxic relationships? I have a friend who was “there” for me when I got divorced, but now she cuts me down and belittles me when I’m around her, and acts superior to me. I saw her Saturday night, and I was in tears Sunday because I realized what was going on and that I’m going to have to let go of a friend.
How do I look inside myself and find the answers so that situations like above don’t hurt me so much? I am pretty sure that my history with people makes me more sensitive, but I don’t want the Independence card to represent me. I want to be open to people who are worthy of me being open to them, and to not be so scared to talk and open up to strangers.
Can you help me find a way to keep my friendships strong and make me even stronger?
Thanks for the relationship vaccination!
Dear Needing a Toxic Friendship Antidote:
What a great question! We all have stomach churning moments when we realize that a friend is not being very friend like. The confusion comes when we ask the question, “How much of what I am feeling is accurate?” And “How much is reaction to triggers that are really from my past?” If you are feeling a certain way, you must trust that there is a reason and that your feelings are telling you the truth. However, when we try to interpret our feelings, sometimes our own filters can create distortion and misinterpretations. Now, add the complication of both parties having filters and past “ghosts that haunt”, and sometimes we get toxic soup. Remember though, that sometimes communications issues are more of an alphabet soup. You say that your friend was “there” for you at a very difficult time in your life. It sounds like this friend really wants to be your friend.
You ask about opening up to strangers, but what about opening up to your friends? Have talked to your friend about how you are feeling? Just because a friend is doing something that hurts you, doesn’t mean that you have to end the friendship. We work so hard and sacrifice so much to process and maintain love relationships. We often forget that friendships, when they are important to us, need to be maintained and communications perfected. Is it worth a few minutes of discomfort to see if the relationship can be saved? This friend may not be aware of his or her impact on you. Having clearing conversations with friends is a special skill. It can take years of practice to get comfortable and feel confident with these kinds of talks. Yet, it is a most important skill to learn. If you already willing to end the friendship, anyway, what have you got to lose by having a conversation about what is bothering you?
The last part of your question is my Favorite! When you look inside of yourself for answers, you are bound to find them. The real core of any reactivity with another person is the way in which you secretly judge and punish yourself. Do you see what I did there? I gave you a hint for how to achieve your own emotional independence. Emotional Independence is a key factor in your ability to have Emotional INTER-dependence with others. The three most important factors in achieving emotional independence are emotional awareness, emotional honesty and the willingness to offer yourself unconditional acceptance and forgiveness.
Try this: Pretend you are a contestant on that T.V. game show, “Family Feud”. Ask questions about your inner self-talk! How does the way your friend speaks to you correspond to how you secretly feel about yourself? TOP FIVE WAYS YOU JUDGE YOURSELF – TOP FIVE WAYS YOUR FRIEND MAKES YOU FEEL JUDGED — ding, ding, ding, Survey Says!!!
If you sit with yourself and you still find that the right thing to do is to end the relationship, then trust yourself and what you know. Don’t second guess yourself. Find a way to make your ending as loving and peaceful as your friendship has been at other moments in your life. End it in such a way that you can walk away clean and clear with no strings or regrets trailing behind you. Give lots of Gratitude for the love and friendship that you have shared.
In Relationships, we will always have moments of hurt and disappointment. We will also find moments of incredible generosity and Grace. The real Toxic Relationship Antidote is to maintain a loving and accepting connection with yourself. When you can see yourself in the light of compassion and empathy, you also see others with the same lens. Once you truly learn to see yourself as perfect, even with all of your lovely flaws and quirks, you will see everyone in your life through Love colored glasses.
Let me know when you will be appearing on “Family Feud”, my dear. Tattood Buddhist will be tuning in!
Tattood Buddhist 